How Not to Find a Job

Yesterday I attended a networking/mentoring industry event.  As I am job-seeking, I was a mentee, not a mentor.  Well, to all y'all who may be finding yourselves in a similar position, here's what you can expect:

1. Checking yourself in the mirror before getting out of the car--finding hairline grays--searching for mascara to quickly cover-up.
2. Arriving at 9:30am to eat the "light meal provided" prior to the speed-mentoring session scheduled to start at 10.
3. The schedule was wrong, and the program is beginning. Hungry, and now discombobulated, you'll be immediately seated in a chair opposite a very hip radio station executive mentor who gives you the once over and asks, "Why are you here?  What can I do for you?"  (Reminiscent of HR interview at idol's new network when you felt summarily dismissed).
4. Upon presentation of your résumé, you'll be told, "You have outstanding credentials, it's too bad, no one's hiring right now."
5. Someone in the center of the room will scream, "Your 5 minutes are up, switch!" and as in speed dating, every one will move one chair to the left hoping to find a little love, a little magic in the next guy.
6. And maybe he's the one.  He's older than the last one.  Thoughtful with kind eyes.  Tells you about himself first--says the only reason he still has a job is because he's too old to be fired--he's protected.  Looks over your résumé.  "Hmmmm!"  He'll look at you and show you that he's wearing a jacket with your alma mater's emblem.  His kid went there too.  "Use the Alumni network-  no reason to graduate from a school like that if you're not going to use the contacts....you'll be fine, just follow my rules for success."  You'll take out your pen and pad so as not to forget a word.  "1) perseverance; 2) perseverance..." You're a quick study, you'll stop writing.  He'll smile.  "Just persevere kid, call everyone you know and offer to intern.  Times are tough, and everyone will be happy to get some free labor!" BUT I'M IN MY 40's!!
7. Another scream from the center of the room- followed by an ear-piercing whistle.  And when you're about to complain, you'll be told by your next mentor that the whistler is the organization's president, so...
8. Another presentation of the résumé followed by, "Wow, not sure how to help!"  So you'll turn it around and practice your interviewer skills.  "Tell me about yourself and your rise to the top of your profession!"  And 3 minutes later, you'll be able to write an article on how to become an independent radio consultant!"
9. Another scream, another ear-piercing whistle and you'll meet the hypnotherapist/tv personality who'll stare deep into your eyes and proffer, "You have to do whatever it takes to get where you want to go!"
10. Next, no scream, just the whistle that could call a deaf dog to attention. And now you'll be faced with an in-house staff consultant.  She doesn't hire, just makes sure that bosses are getting the most from their teams.  It will be assessed pretty quickly that neither of you can really help the other, so you'll both opt for a quick bathroom break.
11. And switch.  And now you'll be face to face with the best friend of one of your former assistants.  Said assistant is now running her own firm in NYC, and best friend is a high-ranking network executive who remembers you from back in the day, but there's a hiring freeze at her network- so "Good luck.  And I'll tell girlfriend that I saw you!"  And you'll wonder if you were a good boss to girlfriend, and if she and best friend will be gossiping about you that evening?!
12. And switch. You'll be just about over it and grab some coffee on the way to the next mentor with nothing to offer you. But actually she'll have a few helpful hints about forging a career in the blogosphere, so you'll become a little optimistic. Until...
13. Switch. "Hey you! What are you doing here?"  You'll respond, "Looking for a job, need an assistant!"  She'll say, "Are you writing?  YOU should be writing."  "Yeah, I've got this blog--it's about being bitter, and..."  "Don't be bitter, come to yoga with me."  "Well it's about the journey.  I was this person, I'm now this other person, and I so wanna be that person!  Ya know?"  Blank stare.  "OKay, let's think about getting you a job.  Have you been networking?"  "Well, I'm here!"  And she'll make an honest attempt to help, "Who do I know?  What can I do?"  And after a moment of contemplation, she'll pronounce, "God, this is so weird, 'cause I know you. For god sakes, I was your intern!"
14. Laughter.
15. Hysterical Laughter.
16. Tears.
17. Hysterical Crying.
18. You'll realize that you're still hungry.
19. And if you're lucky, the best friend who dragged you to this "supportive" event will grab your hand and drag you out!